Even though we talk frequently about forgiveness, most of us find it hard to define it in a practical way.  What does it really mean to forgive?  Since doing so is central to the healing process, we need to know.  Forgiveness is often defined as letting go of past hurts, or changing one’s attitudes toward another.  But how do we do that?  How do we let go?

The Lord defines forgiveness in the Lord’s prayer, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Matthew 6:12  When we have unforgiveness in our heart toward another, we are holding that person in debt.  Thus, when we truly forgive we proclaim, “I’ve canceled your debt.  You don’t owe me any longer.”  Many of us give evidence to our unforgiveness when we say, “I deserve an apology.”  But if we have truly forgiven, even the debt of an apology is removed.

When someone is in debt to us through unforgiveness, our heart records what the person owes.  But not only does what they owe us get stored in our hearts; so do the hurts and negative messages associated with the debt.  These don’t go away until the debt is paid in full.

For example:  A father promises his son he will leave work early to take him to a baseball game.  After school the boy excitedly waits by the front door for Dad to show up.  Dad never calls.  The boy is terribly disappointed, especially as he’s told all his friends about the trip.  When Dad comes home, he fails to acknowledge his son’s hurt and brushes the subject off.  The son feels rejected and the message is written in his heart:  “I’m not important.” 

Since this isn’t the first time Dad has done something like this, the son is likely to build up resentment and unforgiveness toward his father.  His heart says, “Dad, owes me to keep his promise and to admit he did me wrong.”  Because the son now holds his father in debt to himself, the event, the feelings and the message are stored in his heart, never to go away until there is forgiveness.  Time goes on and this unresolved issue is buried with other similar issues – forgotten but still there.  Later in life the son finds himself overreacting when people don’t come through on their promises, and experiencing angry rages and depression.  Why?  Because the feelings and messages are still strongly alive within his heart and tapped into when the circumstances are right.

In those unforgiving areas of our heart we are not only holding someone in debt to us, but we are also unable to receive what we really need in each area: affirmation, love, positive words, comfort; whatever is “owed” us.  Rather than receive positive messages, our heart is more likely to receive messages in line with the negative script written there through unforgiveness.  In these areas our heart becomes closed to the Lord and others around us.

Think of it as a closed fist.  It is as if we are shaking our first at the one who owes us, demanding to receive, yet holding tightly to the very pain we want to be rid of.  We are unable to receive the very thing we demand because our hand is not open.  When the Lord wants to come and pour His love and healing into our hurt, we are unable to receive the very thing we long for.  We are still waiting for those who hurt us to pay up, to come through.  It is as if we are saying to the Lord, “No, not yet.  I’m waiting for so-and-so.  He owes me.”

1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”  The first words of this verse describe our part.  It is our job to confess or admit our sin, which is unforgiveness and all the bitterness, resentment and hatred that goes with it.  We must own this deep in our hearts and accept responsibility for the way we feel, rather than justifying it by blaming others for our responses.  The rest of this verse describes the Lord’s part.  He will cleanse us of our misery.